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Adoption and September 11 Children whose lives have been touched by foster care and adoption juggle many complicated thoughts and feelings in order to maintain a sense of equilibrium. The events of September II threw even the most stable among us off guard; for these more fragile children, memories of past loss got stirred up. Interventions had to soothe, interpret, and reassure, and therapists needed to communicate rapidly with parents on how to help their children. We know that children are most afraid that they will be left alone, separated from their families. They are worried that someone they love will be injured or killed and that disaster will happen again. From past experience, adopted children know for certain that they can become separated from their families. They are more likely to feel vulnerable, out of control, and scared when the world also feels unpredictable. They are more susceptible to strong feelings in themselves and others and may react with aggressive behavior or by withdrawing. This behavior may not reflect their chronological age but, instead, their emotional or intellectual age. Compounding their fears, adopted children have fantasies about their birth families and wonder whether they have been in harm's way. Therapists working with adopted children and with their adoptive families must remember that children's fears may be acted out in a number of ways. Sometimes children sound strange or unrelated but may actually be attempting to talk about their feelings. Therapists need to remind themselves to listen to the undercurrents in order to hear the anxieties displayed. Children with needs for extra attention and caring may appear to be fine but are really displaying a bravado that is not reflective of their inner worlds. Because of their limited resources, these children will sometimes provoke anger and disappointment; for them, acting‑out behaviors may be a misguided attempt at developing a coping strategy. Therapists need to consider interventions with adoptive children that are both honest and reassuring. They need to reassure the children that their adoptive parents are "real" parents and will be with then "forever." Because all of us are struggling to understand the world in a new way; it may be a good time to ease up on these children and reduce some expectations Perhaps most importantly, therapists need to guide parents so that they can calm their own fears and parent their children effectively. Parents need to talk to their children about disaster and make emergency plans and discuss strategies to use, if necessary, in the future. Parents need to rely on existing structures and predictable routines to foster a sense of security and control. They must protect their children from unsupervised and prolonged exposure to television news. Lastly, parents need to be encouraged to go for help if they need it. These are times of profound uncertainty and change, and children who have been adopted, or in foster care, may reflect their past experience of loss and project their anxieties into the future. Although these feelings may be their unique burden, they are, at the same time, all too familiar to each of us. Wendy Freund, MSEd., LCSW Private Practice and the New York Foundling Hospital These ideas were developed in collaboration with Helene Gershowitz, Family Focus Adoption Services, and Carol Hirsch, New Alternatives for Children, as members of the NY Post Adoption Consortium. Wendy Freund MSEd., LCSW |
