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Building a Family Introduction (Preset: NY Foundling Logo on screen) I was interviewed for a position as Supervisor in Adoption at the New York Foundling in 1989. The interviewer asked me if I had any connection to foster care or adoption. I replied negatively. I was really wrong and not observant of my own family history. My mother spent two years in foster care and while she couldn’t talk about it, my grandmother confessed her regrets to me. For my mother, the rejection and shame were just too strong. My aunt and uncle adopted a baby girl and I was there the day they brought her home and we played together every day. When she became ill in her forties, my aunt adopted her son. This then created a kinship adoption. My uncle on the other side married a woman who had been in foster care for eighteen years before being adopted. Many people do not realize how common adoption and foster care really are. Stories of building families through foster care and adoption are part of the human experience. Moses comes immediately to mind. Americans have always created families through foster care and adoption either formally or informally; and our country loves search and reunion stories, just turn on the television or go to the movies—think about Oedipus, Krishna, Bones, Mighty Aphrodite, and Superman—once you start you can’t stop seeing more examples, some positive, some negative. I have probably received about 24,000 phone calls from our clients or their families and written about 3,200 letters. In the process I have learned many things about myself, our legal system, and about you. But I want to stress the following four points: (SLIDE OF FOUR MAIN POINTS) · New York Foundling must have and has had a continuing commitment to its clients · People need to know their past · People need to have a coherent story of their lives · People need to feel connected. Many of you have traveled a great distance to be here. Many more of you wanted to be here but we ran out of room. So what is the glue and who are we? Why have you come here today? (SLIDE: The Continuing Commitment of New York Foundling to Its Clients) Callers to Record Information have a variety of connections and different types of questions or requests. We hear from: · Former orphan train riders and their descendants · People who have been in foster care · People who have been adopted · Adoptive parents · Foster parents · Former residents of St. Agathas · Nursing school graduates · Former and retired staff · And more…………………….. The Sisters of Charity were always aware the role they played in the history of New York. They were smart enough and diligent enough to apply their resources to keeping accurate records. Just last year we sent much of the history of our organization to the New York Historical Society. They were eager to help us store our archives. Our records were originally tracked in beautiful old baptismal and admission books. (PICTURE OF BAPTISMAL FOLLOWED BY PICTURE OF ADMISSION BOOKS SHUT AND THEN OPENED) Look at this beautiful baptismal book and its lovely old corduroy binding. This admission book has wonderful details about the child and mother and how they came to the Foundling. Names and birthdates were alphabetized and tracked on 3X5 cards. We graduated to a slightly more sophisticated 4X6 cards, and in 1984 began using the computer. Most of the old records were stored on microfilm and microfiche and can be read on printer/readers . (PICTURE OF PRINTER READER MACHINERY )This picture shows a printer/reader. The machinery is expensive to purchase and maintain, unwieldy and hard on your eyes but I am glad NY Foundling has made the commitment because microfiche has terrific archival quality. (PICTURE OF MICROFICHE) Other paper records are kept in an offsite warehouse with a turnaround time of two days. Many of my colleagues in other agencies have asked for the details of our record keeping because it has always been exacting. Clients call Record Information when they are getting married and many have been referred to us by St. Vincent Ferrer’s Catholic Church because we baptized children in our chapel under their auspices. (PICTURE OF BAPTISMAL CERTIFICATE AND SEAL) This is a picture of a blank baptismal certificate and seal. When I asked my secretary for the seal, she asked if I wanted the new or the old one. This is the new one! Record information can provide certificates to people we baptized. Sometimes I am lucky enough to find original baptismal and Sacramental records in the files of the former residents at St. Agathas. We are happy to share them but please do not hold us responsible for the handwriting and quality of the old film. One of our most important functions is providing medical information. If you are a former client or adoptive parent, we want to share what we have in the medical record. If you have not obtained it already, please feel free to contact us. (PICTURES OF FILES) Most records do not get updated over time although you are very welcome to add additional medical information. When you contact us, we do our best to give you everything we can legally provide. Unfortunately, records are only a snapshot and re-requests rarely prove helpful because the records end at the time when the child leaves our agency either through transfer, adoption, or aging out. After this time there is unlikely to be anything else added. The record is the record is the record and there is no more. (Back to NY Foundling Logo) Our staff in Record Information consists of me, the Administrative Secretary, Yvonne Wintz, and volunteers. I would like to acknowledge the late Sr. Rosemary Commerford and Sr. Cecilia Schneider, I had the privilege and honor of working with both. They gave me a wonderful education. I would like to thank Sr. Mary de Sales, Sr. Rita Meaney, and Mary Freedman. These people have worked tirelessly to provide you with the medical and background information you need. A few years ago, I did a study on the internet with two colleagues from other agencies, Carol Hirsch and Helene Gershowitz. We wanted to better assess the needs of people who have been adopted so we decided to poll them. Many adoptees mentioned that this was the first time any professionals asked them for their opinions about adoption. We were surprised to learn how many people felt attached to their adoption agencies. They still welcomed us into their lives, even after the points of adoption. ( SLIDE People Have a Right to Know Their Past) All families struggle to tell their narrative in a cohesive fashion. They bicker and disagree, even about factual events, like when grandma had an operation or grandpa went to the hospital. Many of you know your birth story, but many others don’t. Think about it now. Do you know how your parents met? Do you know the exact time you were born and where? Can you tell me what your mother was doing when she went into labor? Was it an easy delivery? People who have been adopted struggle in particular ways with their story and may know some or none of it. One gentleman even told me he wondered if he was even born. New York State has very restrictive adoption laws. (PICTURE OF BROCHURE AND PICTURE OF RULES IN BROCHURE) We cannot share the names and birthdates of birth parents with people who have been adopted. We cannot tell where the birth parents lived or worked. In 1984 New York State established the New York State Mutual and Voluntary Consent Registry which allows us to share certain information but not other information, has an anonymous method for updating medical history, and will foster a reunion if both parties agree. They also have a system for matching up siblings. (PICTURE OFFORMS SIDE BY SIDE) This green and white brochure details the process and gives information about what we can legally share. These are sample forms that need to be notarized and submitted. The forms can be downloaded on the New York State, Department of Health Website. The Bureau of Vital Statistics is the only body that can release a legal birth certificate. We cannot. At the time of adoption, the original birth certificate is sealed. The names of the birth parents are deleted and the names of the adoptive parents are inserted. It doesn’t matter what state the adoptive parents was in, whether they were anywhere near the hospital, or whether they were at work at the time, their names still go on the birth certificate. This is the only legal document that is altered in this manner. (Back to NY Foundling Logo) Adoptees often feel their civil rights have been violated. Many say they never agreed to surrender their original birth certificate and feel they are entitled to it. Kansas and Alaska never closed access to birth certificates. Alabama, Delaware, Maine, New Hampshire, Oregon, and Tennessee have opened access so now we have a better understanding of the process and see that it usually goes smoothly. Many birth mothers are relieved when they hear from their children and the adoptees feel more complete. Of course, it is possible to have an opt-out clause for those who feel they are not ready. Historically, birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents have shown themselves to be sensitive to each other’s needs. (SLIDE Everyone Needs to Have a Coherent, Chronological Story) Each of us is lit from within. We take in information from our surroundings, but we need a strong core and sense of self to get through life. We reflect on our lives. What do you think this young girl needs to know about herself? (PICTURE OF GIRL AT THE PIANO) All of us talk to ourselves and grapple with self awareness. We talk to ourselves and say things like: · In my family we eat pasta on Thanksgiving · In the old country, my family worked on a chicken farm · Cancer runs in my family · I’m Hungarian · We don’t get Alzheimers · My grandfather fought in World War One for the Germans These stories help us live our daily lives because they give us grounding in time and place. They help us anticipate what our children will be like and anticipate how we will age and even die. It is easier to make smart choices in life when you know yourself and have a strong sense of identity. (Add a visual here or go to LOGO?) I hear how difficult it is for clients to pick up the phone and call Record Information, the need to make contact has to outweigh that difficulty, especially for birth mothers who stayed in our maternity residence. But people want their information and I am pleased to give whatever I can legally disclose. Some people start with their medical histories and then move on to wanting more background information or even a reunion. Other people have no desire for a reunion. Both decisions are normal and fine, everyone has different needs. Some of you here today have been in foster care; I bet some have been in multiple homes. It is hard to maintain a faith in connections and sense of basic trust when you have had to move several times. It would be wonderful if you had memories, pictures, and mementos of all of the places you have lived, but I bet some of you don’t have anything tangible at all. I wish we kept albums for you, but we probably didn’t. In the absence of material, the best I can do is help you tell your story by searching through the files and finding out about the number of homes you lived in and what your relationships to your families was like and so on . I never grow tired of reading case records because each one is totally unique – a window into a family’s and individual’s life. Some records are in good order; others are out of chronology and confusing. The social workers didn’t always know the whole story and had to tell it as best they could, even if they were missing vital information. We at Record Information take our time and work hard at putting our letters together. Some of you spent time at St. Agathas. I know that group care has fallen out of favor, but it is common for me to hear former residents speak fondly or at least respectfully of the time they spent in Nanuet. One of the Sisters of Charity who worked there told me that every Sister worked with an age group that she liked. I think that made all the difference. Many of our residents also spent time at St. Agathas with their siblings. (PICTURE OF LARGE SIBLING GROUP OF CHILDREN) Look at this picture of a large sibling group. What would have happened to them if their mother got tuberculosis, became drug or alcohol addicted, suffered a mental or physical disease? Would their father have been able to shoulder the burden without help? Families remain families even when they don’t live under the same roof. Who will care for these children and help the family remain connected? I hear from many large sibling groups. Siblings who had parents who were unable to care for them for a period of time often wind up unusually close, often closer than siblings who lived with their parents. Many professionals speak of the triangle or the adoption triad. (PICTURE OF TRIANGLES) I don’t think that a single triangle really represents the experience accurately. I have modified it to include the agency and foster care. Many individuals who were in care go on to be adopted. Adoption and foster care are experiences that last throughout the life cycle, and unfortunately some of the material about the early placements can be vague. No side of the triangle could or should be removed. (Add a visual here or go to LOGO?) We struggle to find useful language to talk about the adoption and foster care experience; but we have no way of talking about multiple fathers and mothers. E. Wayne Carp in Family Matters: Secrecy and Disclosure in the History of Adoption writes: Language describing issues involved in adoption, like all language is historically constructed and emotionally charged. For example, children of unmarried women have been variously said to be …”illegitimate,’ or ‘born out of wedlock.’….Using terms like…’illegitimate child’ and ‘natural parents’ convey the authentic flavor of how before the 1970’s, everyday language stigmatized those involved in adoption; it also underscores my contention that throughout American history, biological kinship has occupied a privileged position in American culture.
Many people who do not have a cogent story build their families with fantasies and ghosts. The secretiveness built into the adoption system only increases this unreality. In the absence of information, people begin to create pictures of their family based on shreds of information. People who adopt and foster children who have been in care are also taking on this ghost family and their child’s sense of rejection and loss. These children need a special kind of love and support even while they may be rejecting or mistrustful. (PICTURE OF YOUNG ADULT GROUP) The people in this picture are about to be split up and disbursed. Some of them will never see each other again. Many young people came to America alone because of poverty and war. They were lonely and struggled. They looked for friendships and congregated in dance halls and pubs. They sometimes became pregnant with children they were not in a position to raise. Many young girls were waitresses or domestics, sometimes living in their employer’s homes. Without a home, an income, or family support, they could not raise a child. For them, deciding on adoption was a selfless act. They wanted their children to have stable two parents families. New York Foundling has always been proud of its families and nurtured them along. The reputation of the Foundling was sterling and the girls felt they could count on us to take good care of their children. The adopted person often wonders why they were given up and who was the family that they are linked to through their dna. For an adoptee, the very important journey from fantasy to reality can sometimes be very stressful, even a crisis. As many of you know, having a reunion with one’s birth family can dispel many secrets, but often reveals a very different story from the one the person has been living with. It may be a bitter pill to learn your birth parents took drugs or struggled with physical and mental illness. While the learning the truth can be very helpful because it explains so much, our clients often need support to help them absorb the new information. (SLIDE: People Need to Feel Connected) So what is the glue? To what do we feel attached? Why? Walking down the streets of Manhattan, or unfortunately, riding on the highway, it is easy to see how desperate for connection we are. Everyone seems to be talking or texting on his or her cell phone. People need to reach out. Family structures have weakened and people feel alone and lonely. That can be particularly true for those in foster care. Their “parental” structures can be very complex. Consider the idea of “The Three Parent Model.” (SLIDE: BIRTH PARENTS, LEGAL PARENTS NURTURING PARENTS BOTTOM Family Preservation: The Second Time Around, published by the North American Council on Adoptable Children. The authors describe the three sets of parents all of whom have value and play an important part in a child’s life: Birth parents, who give life itself and with it basic characteristics, like physical appearance, basic personality, special talents, and predispositions for certain diseases. Legal parents, who carry the financial responsibility, make educational decisions, give permission to travel out of state, and decide on medical treatments. An agency, group setting, or governmental body can be a legal parent. And Nurturing parents, who provide love, discipline, food, clothing, toys, and care for you when you are sick. Foster parents can be nurturing parents. People who are in foster care are connected to all three of these sets of parents. Adoptive parents have unique connections and challenges as well. In order to become an adoptive parent it is necessary to have a sense that you have the right to parent a child not born to you and that there are some inherent differences between parenting an adopted child and a birth child. Entitlement comes both legally and emotionally. Whether you give birth to a child or adopt a child, the feeling of being secure as a parent takes time and can be a surprisingly slow process. Love can take a long time to grow and some think it is even possible to be a good parent with caring and respect but not with what we traditionally call love. Adoptive parents sometimes feel they are sharing decisions and responsibilities with the birth family or agency, which can sometimes make disciplining a child particularly difficult. To help strengthen their connection, adoptive parents need to claim their child. In this process they learn to see their child as their own and an equal part of the new family. They learn to accept the child’s differences as part of the child and find and focus on the similarities. All children need families or a specific adult with whom they can become connected over the long-haul. (SLIDE: Vera Fahlberg reminds us that: Families Provide a primary caregiver for the child care by specific adults to whom the child can become attached continuous contact with these adults on a day-to-day basis gradually changing relationships with a small number of individuals over a lifetime safety and security (Second “Families Provide” slide) stimulation and encouragement for growth reasonable expectations experience in identifying and expressing emotions support in times of stress others with whom to share successes BOTTOM A Child’s Journey Through Placement by Vera Fahlberg Some of the people in this audience have grown up with a family but others haven’t. Historically, some of the babies placed on trains were indentured. Families took them in and some went on to love and adopt them while others didn’t. Some of you had multiple placements and others aged out of group settings with no strong family in your background. (Add a visual here or go to LOGO?) Today we know how important connections are. Agencies are hiring private investigators to locate that one special person in a child’s life that is capable of rising to the position of mentor or special person in a child’s life. That person can be an aunt, a teacher, or a dentist and shows up in a careful combing of the case record. They may never even live with the child but what really matters is the desire to be involved with that child over the long haul—forever—and the ability to help the child reach their special goals and potential. Searching and reuniting with birth family is another way to connect. Making a good reunion is like getting married. Young girls and boys talk longingly about the desire to get married without thinking through the meaning of a marriage. Two people who have not spent decades together may share basic characteristics but their wishes and dreams may be very different. Before a reunion takes place, it’s best to think through what kind of relationship you want. Do you want to share birthdays and Christmas? If you have been adopted, how will you bring your family on board? What about the grandchildren? I recommend proceeding slowly and cautiously because it is always possible to add on contact but pulling away from a runaway train is difficult. Often there is an initial honeymoon that may not be sustained. Making the initial contact is a sensitive issue. I find calls and emails can be intrusive. Some birth mothers never told the birth father, their family, their husband, or their children about the pregnancy. Such a woman is often in shock when she is found and needs time to think her situations through. A gentle letter may be the best way to approach such a woman. Husbands tell me that they would have been able to integrate knowing about their wife’s earlier pregnancy much more easily than they can live with the knowledge that their wife didn’t trust them enough to tell them. Adoptive parents may feel threatened by a reunion but they need not. Anyone who watches television or uses a computer knows how little privacy and confidentiality is left. And while NY Foundling strictly adheres to the policy and ethics of confidentiality, reunions are now common. They are a chance to get rid of some of the destructive family myths. They are also an opportunity for the adoptive parent to support and help their child. One adoptive mother and her grown daughter came in together and shared the experience and comforted each other. Teenagers are in the most fragile situation but very curious as they start to strengthen their identity. They are experts on the Internet and excellent searchers. Parents must let them know that they are not alone with this information. I worked with a girl who was fifteen and came into care after serious abuse from her birth family. She was very angry but still wanted information about her birth parents. Luckily, her adoptive parents were willing to come in and support her in an interview in which I shared her background information. Siblings usually make the easiest reunion. They have no history of rejection and are often grateful to find each other. I think of these reunions as getting a “free pass.” Occasionally, I have a spouse who wants to search for their partner’s family. The rules of confidentiality apply even to spouses. Only the person themselves can get their information. Historically, I have had trouble conveying this limitation, especially when they have had children and the curiosity looms largest. Conclusion When I first started this work, some of my colleagues were mystified by my choice. I had trained to be a psychotherapist and as one said; I turned into a record keeper, or as another one put it, a librarian. They didn’t get it. These are not just dusty old records. I see your faces and you feel very real to me. I get to see social work change historically. Old terminology goes out to be replaced by new ways of thinking. I see the past and the future of the New York Foundling. We all have personal reasons for being here. Together we make a whole. We revisit the past, enjoy the present, and continue our work into the future. We are forever linked. Wendy Freund, M.S.E.D., LCSW, maintains a private practice in New York City. She is also Administrative Supervisor, Adoption Department, at New York Foundling Hospital. Wendy Freund MSEd., LCSW |
